You asked me what I thought about when I could not sleep at night.
I told you I did not know. I had said it was nothing, but a little bit of everything. A contradiction of an uncertain explanation, but yet no other description was fitting. I did not know what crawled on the surface of my mind or what happened to travel through the wiring of my brain, or what encouraged me to toss and turn in unsettling restlessness. It was like running without having the control of your limbs as your body felt like it was ashing to the pavement. By day, I felt like a heart attack waiting to happen. Focusing on breathing and building strength only to keep my lids from shielding dry eyes. I wondered if the headaches were from my anatomy trying to fight off sadness and an anxious state. I am proud of my body for working so hard, but disappointed in my soul for acquiring this weight that dragged my entire being down.
I continued to think about what you asked even more in depth, but I found no answer. I do not think I paid attention to my thoughts, my mind just raced endlessly in a conscious bodily state. When night fell, I believed a demon cranked a handle to a wheel that kept my head spinning, though I ignored him. I do not know from where he came, but I knew he grew strength with every turn of the wheel. I admire his perseverance, but was unsure of his aspirations. I knew as little about him as I did myself.
I wondered if this was the process of my mind detaching from my physical self. Sometimes I felt as if my spirit was trying to shut down all functions of its very own home. I thought sometimes that it was trying to put an end to me. In this I learned that there were three parts that made up my being. There was my exterior, and every anatomical aspects that were in cased inside that kept me vital. This was the human part of me. The other two subsided in my skull. A battle of my conscience and another that was somewhat beyond myself. I like to call this a counter conscience. The part that longed to destroy every piece of you until you were mentally and physically vanished. The only part I ever found was reliable was my body. My heart continued to beat regardless of the battle above it, but I am sure it has become weakened since then. It sometimes tries to express this through sudden pain in my chest saying, “I am fighting hard despite the toll you have placed on me”. I appreciated the will it had to keep me in existence, but how sometimes I wish you would give up. Sorry if I have some thoughts of betrayal at times.
So I am telling you now, this is what I think about when I cannot sleep at night.